I started this year with the intention of proving to myself that I am strong, I am resilient, and that I can do anything I set my mind to…but with this intention at heart, I fell apart many many times this year. Sometimes you get lost in the struggle, wondering how you’re going to overcome this one, if you’ll have strength or the will to over overcome the next one. Sometimes I don’t know how to be strong enough for myself. I started this blog to share honest thoughts, feelings, and emotions but fear of appearing weak has really made me resist sharing my raw truths – but I really want to…maybe to see if someone can relate, maybe to show others who are going through this – that they are not alone, and maybe just to share myself in a place where I feel safe with my brokeness.
Recently, I was told by someone close to me that my positivity was not authentic. I am not sure why, but eventhough I felt so strongly that I was getting better and becoming more positive and at peace with myself – hearing this really really hurt me. I started struggling once again with who I am and what my true self is really like. People can be both positive and negative right? How can I overcome my negativity without being positive. I suddenly felt judged for being happy. I felt like my joy, though truly felt within me, was seen as fake by others and for some reason – that made me feel so unsettled. Like I was not acting the part. I’ve been sinking into a little hole with the burden of these words. So I’ve been calling on myself to write a post about everything I have done and accomplished this year, and what I hope to achieve for myself next year. All of this, with the hope of a renewed perspective and an escape from the fog.
This year I did the following:
- I quit my job which made me so unhappy for so long.
- I traveled on my own to Thailand and Cambodia.
- I played with elephants.
- I helped build a house in 4 days.
- I fell in love with taking pictures and enhancing them and posting them, all of which were so beautiful and fulfilling to my heart.
- I painted my room, by myself, in a color that is so far from what I am used to
- I ran myself into some debt
- I raised nearly $2,700 for Team for Kids
- I ran the NYC Marathon
- I worked at the BMW Service Department – and actually had fun
- Found a new job as planned for the new year with hopes that I will learn a lot, meet wonderful people who will become like family, and grow in character and career.
What I am realizing as the year closes:
- I really miss my relationship with God.
- I need help learning how to control the emotions that I go through, I need to accept that they are okay, and credit myself more and more for every single moment that I find myself in control.
- I mostly prefer to cope with my pains on my own. I need to find a way to cope a little faster so that I don’t miss out on being present for important events and important people in my life.
- Movement, nature, colors, tea, naps and hugs cure me and heal me on difficult days.
- The more I love myself, the more it reflects in my interactions.
- I need to accept myself more and fall in love with the process of growth.
- I don’t want to live my life steeping in the fear that tomorrow will not go as planned, that I won’t be accomplished, that I won’t be loved, that I won’t live up to people’s expectations, that I won’t make my family proud, that I won’t make my future family proud, I need to find a way to shut it up and let it go.
- I need to take care of myself more in every way possible, because I am important and this life is so short and I have to make it as beautiful as I possibly can.
- I am so so so so so grateful for the people in my life who carried me this year while I was lost. They supported me in ways that I did not expect and probably did not deserve.
- I am grateful for a renewed friendship that came in such a perfect time to help me such a perfect way. She made me realize how fleeting yet beautiful life is. She also keeps telling me my smile is beautiful, which is one my most favorite compliments to receive.
- I am grateful for God because I know he was watching over me this year. He answered so many prayers. I honestly don’t think I would have survived this year without his intervention in just the most perfect way at the perfect time. I love you God, and I pray to get closer to you because my days are more beautiful when you are part of it.
My intentions for 2018:
- Connect with God more, through prayer and meditation. Trust in him and have faith and patience.
- Find inner peace, research and actively practice calming my heart and soul
- Open my heart up more, be more loving and warm
- Respect my body and take care of it, by eating better and moving more
- Not to feel so much pressure about everything
- Enjoy the things I pursue and not feel overly obliged to a specific outcome
- Accept that my journey will be different from others, and the things I seek will come when the time is right
- Practice active warming gratitude every day, maybe even write it down
- Smile more and more
- Dance more
- Kind of out there, but I would love to find myself sexy again haha
So 2018, I come to you high and dry, yet grateful after a crazy year, and I ask you kindly to bless me with a beautiful year ahead. One that is unforgettable, nurturing, sweet, magical, warm, loving, and magnificent. Dear God, bring me closer to you, teach me wonderful things, and guide me down a forgiving and loving path.
So ready for this new year!! ❤ Wishing all of you the most beautiful end of year and the sweetest new year!! Sending you all warm wishes!!