It’s been a while. I’ve had to travel Orlando for work and the 2 weeks following have been a whirl wind for me. So many changes have taken place, so many goals aligning, and so many aspects of my life that require my attention, but I’m so afraid…
I guess that’s the biggest realization I’ve had in the past few weeks – I am so afraid of everything, so much so that my heart pounds out of my chest before I give myself the chance to feel okay and grounded about the things that scare me. Just to catch you up to speed, recently I’ve been promoted at work, got a dog, and a boy that I’ve had a crush on for the past 3 years has admitted that he also likes me back. On top of all of these changes, I also have to make time for studying for the CPA and I want to make time for this blog. I also have to push aside other things that I love to do like explore new places, dance, and learning piano so that I can take care of the things that need my immediate attention. I am lucky to have all these wonderful things to worry about, but I am truly falling apart because of all the fear that accompanies all of it – how can I do it all without failing at it all. I am already tumbling and tired from simply trying to prioritize all of this in my head. I am also not able to enjoy how good all of this really is, because I’m so caught up in the worry of messing it all up. Do any of you ever feel this way? How do you conquer this fear? How do I give all of these things the necessary amount of attention – the hours seem so short and my energy so thin.
I am always afraid that I’m gonna lose things, that sometimes I do the exact things that lead me to losing those very things. As I discussed with a friend, I am free and have everything going for me but I put myself in a cage because it’s familiar and comfortable, even though it feels terrible. I tend to be very positive, hopeful and optimistic about most things but when it comes to me – I couldn’t be more negative and pessimistic. It’s the longest battle I have ever fought, that often times I wonder how I ever got where I am…how I even made it this far. It truly astonishes me – I can’t help but feel like God sent me angels through friends and families to keep me moving along. I always seem to greet good times with the scrutiny of “what bad thing do you have aligned to mess this up?” and the bad times feel impossible, so suffocating, difficult and endless. I try to be brave and find ways to feel good about myself, but there are too many days where I feel unfit to live the life I wish I could be living. Too many days where I feel unworthy of being loved, as if the grass will always be greener somewhere for those who love me. I always wish I could tell people to save themselves from me – I’m too sad to ever make you feel happy to have me be a part of your life. The sad part is that I am too frozen in fear to be the person I envision myself to be, and she is awesome, but I am afraid to be her. I don’t know how to be her. I want so badly to free myself from my own shackles. This is why I needed to take some time off from everything in life, just to be in my head and fight my demons.
That was a little heavy, but for once I want to just sit with this truth, and not act like this is funny. This is my silent prayer that I can do all of this, that I can make it work. That I can excel at work, pass my exams, be responsible with my pup, figure out how to love and be loved, write poems and spread joy, while keeping my head intact.
If you made it this far, thank you so much. If you were with me in person, I would’ve made you some tea, because tea makes everything bearable.
Peace and love my friends.