For a while there, just a few years ago…I went completely numb. I stayed silent and out of sight, isolating myself, and just rescuing myself every day…some way somehow. Life just felt so hard, and I was confused why everyone else seemed to be doing just fine, but here I am…barely able to make it through breakfast. I couldn’t bare listening to music. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t laugh…I forgot what it felt like to smile. Why do people smile again? How is it so easy for them to do? On those days that I did leave my room, my movement would be slow and dragging. I would sit there watching people and envying them. The sun was on their lawn and the rain was on mine. I felt…hopeless. It’s the most dangerous place to be, because you are convinced to the bone that there is no way out. At this point, nothing you do matters – you could be alive or dead, it doesn’t make a difference to you…when you’re hopeless.
I was actually missing the magic of human connection. It’s not something that is easy to admit, especially when I feel the most comfortable when I’m completely alone. But by putting just a single wall down and letting a single kind connection peep through…it unbeknownst to you…changes you. Softens you. And you might fight it like hell…because you are cold…and the warmth actually burns. And you suffer because you finally realize there is hope and the tears won’t stop falling but there is hope…oh my God, there is hope. It hurts because now you realize that the numbness you feel is a choice, and you fucking hate choices. You want to gravitate to the light, but your eyes sting from being in the dark too long. The pain is impalpable. But in the dark silence, you watch the light, and hear the laughter, and the wall you put down is letting in the warmth…so you sit there heavy with your choices. I am no longer numb because I can feel this – I can feel the weight of my angst and the curve of my mouth and the touch of hope that beckons me. I watch as my sister steps in and asks me if I want to go to church. To don a colorful dress for once and step out on to the earth. My eyes fall to the ground, closing tightly to stop the tears again…those goddamn tears. Then I open them back up to look at her and nod yes. She looks at me and smiles. I smile back this time.